


I Know I'm Not Crazy

by enjolfrance



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-22
Updated: 2013-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-09 05:57:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/770774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolfrance/pseuds/enjolfrance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Modern AU: Grantaire is a second year student at university who has lost all hope. His housemates Jehan and Enjolras try to help him but one day it all becomes too much and his mind is set.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's in the tags but I wanted to emphasise it again, just to make sure I don't trigger anyone because that is the very last thing I want. This story goes into details of a suicide attempt based off my own experiences so that hopefully it feels relatable. After reading the History Of Melancholia series by nothing_rhymes_with_ianto I wanted to write something similar, and with my current Les Miserables obsession Grantaire seemed to fit the bill, especially when it came to my thoughts. Surprisingly the amis fit onto my friends too, anyway I will stop rambling and let you get to the actual story.

Grantaire stared at the ceiling a million thoughts flying around but none of them sticking or making any sense. It was late afternoon and he was still yet to leave his bed, his stomach grumbled at him in protest but he didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. He didn’t have the energy to do anything.  
He could hear his flatmates bustling about. Jehan was listening to some obscure classical album while writing his poetry, or worked on whatever creative project he had chosen for that day. Enjolras was downstairs, washing up their dishes as it was his turn and god forbid he missed doing his set of the chores, the whole system would fall apart and that was just not acceptable. Except Grantaire hadn’t done his chores for weeks. Sweet Jehan had been picking up his slack and telling no one, simply asking if he wanted a drink every so often when he thought Grantaire had been alone for too long.  
Swinging his legs off the edge of his bed he looked around his tiny room. He wasn’t claustrophobic but at that moment he felt as though the walls were suffocating him. Grabbing the first pair of jeans he saw he pulled them on, flinging an old sweatshirt on top and picking up his wallet. This sudden course of movements set one thought in stone, he had obviously made up his mind. Putting on the most convincing smile he could muster he left his room and stumbled down the stairs hoping to get out of the house without drawing any attention to himself.  
“Hey, where you going?” Enjolras called from the kitchen. It had become a habit of the two housemates to check on Grantaire as he would often disappear for hours with no explanation.  
“Just for a walk.” He mumbled.  
“Okay well don’t get yourself killed.” Enjolras tried to joke. It didn’t work, he wasn’t very good with humour and Grantaire was not in the mood, so he twisted his lips into what he thought would resemble a smile before leaving without another word.  
As he ambled through the streets he kept his head down, not wanting to catch anyone’s eyes and see their sympathetic looks. When he stopped at the newsagents to buy two bottles of wine he only mumbled a thank you and chose to use the self-checkout counter to buy his pills.  
His movements seemed mechanic, as if they were pre programmed to happen and he had no control over them except when he got to the corner of his street. He didn’t want to go back to the house yet. It was too stifling. Instead he saw the park across the road and proceeded to find a bench hidden by the falling branches of a tree.  
Opening the first bottle of wine he took a long swig and relished the slight burn it left down his throat. His mind seemed empty. He pulled out the first bottle of pills and proceeded to swallow a handful washing them down with the wine. He gagged, tears springing to his eyes, but he forced them down with the rest of the wine.  
He didn’t feel any different. There was a slight buzz from the alcohol but nothing else. Pulling out the second pair of bottles he proceeded to repeat his actions. Swig of wine. Handful of pills. Another swig of wine. Wiping away his tears he waited to feel the wash of relief. It didn’t come.  
Letting his head fall into his hands he began to cry. He failed at every thing; he couldn’t even kill himself successfully. Maybe he was being too impatient; maybe it took time to work. Standing up he wobbled a little and for the first time that day a smile spread across his lips without him forcing it to. His last act before returning home was to throw away the evidence and once that was done a wave of calm covered him.  
It would be over soon.  
Walking through the front door he was surprised to see they had guests. Enjolras had invited Joly and Combeferre over for a night in. For students that usually meant a night of drinking games, but Grantaire could guarantee that for those three and Jehan it meant studying and planning whatever political agenda they had that semester.  
He made a brief appearance, sat with them for a little while sipping on the Vodka and coke they had given him so he would be social. He didn’t speak, just sat on the edge of the bed staring at nothing while the haziness in his mind started to drown out the other thoughts.  
Once his drink was finished he excused himself, knowing he wouldn’t be missed and returned to his room not bothering to change or even move back the covers, he let himself fall onto the bed, his head hitting the pillow with a surprising force now it felt so heavy,  
The drowsiness was bliss. He could feel everything starting to ebb away slowly as he closed his eyes. The darkness surrounding him was comforting; finally he was free of this life and everything in it. As he was drifting away he heard his name being called, he could recognise the voice, it was one he had been dreaming of all year.  
Enjolras.  
Was he going to heaven? Was Enjolras going to guide him there? That wouldn’t be so bad, in fact it would be the best news he’d heard in months. As quickly as the voice had come, it stopped and he was left in silence again.  
That was until he felt his whole world move. He could hear his name again but this time it wasn’t Enjolras. He wanted to open his eyes, to see what was happening around him, but his eyelids felt like concrete and so he grumbled a sort of response. Was this what dying was like? It was not what he had expected.  
“Grantaire wake up.”  
“He’s in here.”  
“Can you tell me what’s happened?”  
“Do you know what he’s taken?”  
There were so many voices, Grantaire wanted to shut them all out, he just wanted to sleep now but the shaking wouldn’t stop. The questions just kept coming and he thought he could answer all of them and none of them.  
Suddenly he felt weightless, as if he were floating. He would have believed this were the end except the voices were getting louder, and he could feel hands all over him. On his neck, pushing things onto him, up his nose. A light shone onto his eyes and he wanted to go towards it, except when he did he opened his eyes to find a stranger looking at him.  
The light was too bright; he squeezed his eyes shut again. This wasn’t what he was expecting. The voices around him merged into one and he wanted desperately to shut them out, to return to the blissful darkness he had felt earlier. Instead he felt a piercing sensation in his arm and his eyes shot open looking around slowly. The stranger was putting something into his arm, what he wasn’t quite sure, nor did he want to know. He let his head loll to the side immediately wishing he hadn’t when he saw Enjolras staring back at him, his eyes red, tears falling silently down his cheeks.  
He couldn’t work out the look he was receiving. It wasn’t angry, or one of disdain, nor was it happy. He saw Enjolras open his mouth to speak but his head was pounding and without thinking he closed his eyes again, silencing the blonde.  
After what seemed like a lifetime of being jostled and prodded and constant noise everything calmed. The noises were faint and he was still. Opening his eyes again he squinted at the light, everything was far too bright and his head hurt. He heard something shuffle to his side and turned slowly to look that way. Once again he found Enjolras staring at him, tears still falling, eyes still red. Grantaire wanted nothing more than to reach out and comfort him but his limbs felt like lead and even keeping his eyes open was a battle he felt he was losing.  
“What did you do Grantaire?” Enjolras whispered, his voice breaking.  
“I just wanted to make it all stop.” He croaked in response, his throat feeling raw.  
“I thought you were…” The blonde stopped, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything?”  
Grantaire choked out a small laugh. “That really would have defeated the object don’t you think?”  
“Yes I do which is exactly why you should have spoken to us, so we could have stopped it before you nearly…” Once again he was unable to finish the sentence.  
“I just wanted it to stop.” Grantaire repeated, not knowing what else to say, realising he had failed his task.  
“This wasn’t the answer.” Enjolras shook his head his eyebrows creasing as a small sob escaped him. “I’m such an idiot, the last thing I might have said to you was don’t get yourself killed before you went and tried to bloody kill yourself!” Angrily he wiped away his tears.  
“I’m sorry.” Grantaire whispered. He had thought how ironic it might have been after he’d said it, but chose not to comment, as it would have let the blonde know of his plans.  
“Don’t apologise. I’m sorry Grantaire I should have- I’m angry with myself, not you.” Enjolras sighed taking his hand. “I knew something was wrong the moment you came home. I should have done something earlier.”  
“I didn’t want you to.” He squeezed his eyes shut again as everything went hazy. He didn’t want to be there, he didn’t want Enjolras there, he didn’t want anything. He just wanted everything to be over. A tear escaped as he realised he would have to go on fighting another day except now he’d have to face this failure too. Even with the feel of Enjolras’ hand in his he couldn’t shake the thought of trying again tomorrow and he hated himself for it. Especially as he heard the soothing words from the blonde, telling him everything would be okay now. He didn’t know if anything would ever be okay again.


	2. Chapter 2

Grantaire rubbed his eyes sleepily with his one hand, raising the other to run through his hair until a sharp pain stopped him. Looking down he saw the needle sticking out and remembered why he was in such an uncomfortable bed. Enjolras was still sat next to him, his jacket draped over as a blanket, while he slept in what must have been an even worse position than the cynic. Grantaire wanted to feel bad, but if they hadn’t brought him here in the first place Enjolras could have been asleep in his own bed.  
He took the time to examine the place he had been brought to. Medical equipment hung on the walls, posters about hygiene, reminding people to wash their hands. He realised he wasn’t actually in a room, the fourth wall directly in front of him was just a curtain and through the small space he could see people bustling about on the other side, their lives continuing as normal. He couldn’t see a clock anywhere and began to wonder how long they had been in this place; with no windows to judge it by either he started to feel a slight panic. It could have been hours, or minutes. Was it the next day already or was it still the middle of the night? He wasn’t sure why this panicked him so much but he started to squirm, wishing more than ever to just make it all stop. Enjolras stirred next to him, looking up at the brunette with bleary eyes.   
“How long have you been awake?” He asked rubbing the back of his neck.  
“Not long. Do you know the time?” His voice felt like nails dragging along his throat and sounded about the same. Enjolras pulled out his phone to look at the time.  
“Only a couple of hours, its 4am.” He stifled a yawn, trying to hide his exhaustion from Grantaire, he didn’t need another thing to add to his worries. The brunette simply nodded before letting his head fall back onto the pillow. He felt drowsy, like his head was full of fluff. “How’re you feeling?” Enjolras leant forward, his back clicking as he did so.  
“Okay.” He mumbled. Always okay, never good, never bad, just okay. It was Enjolras’ turn to nod in reply, no knowing what to say next. The appearance of a doctor meant he didn’t have to think of anything else.  
“How’re we feeling?” He asked brightly, far too chipper for this time of the morning. Grantaire mumbled his response of okay then answered the questions with a nod or shake of his head.  
“Any stomach pains.” Shake. “Blurriness of vision.” Shake. “Difficulty breathing.” Shake. “Headache.” Nod. “Is it bad?” Shake. “Okay then, we’ll get that drip out of you and then you’ll need to see our resident psychiatrist before we can discharge you.” Nod.  
Once the doctor had left Enjolras turned to the silent brunette.  
“Were you telling the truth?” He asked quietly. Nod. “Because they’re just trying to help Grantaire, if you lie to them it won’t work.” His voice wasn’t demanding, or harsh it was one of those rare times Enjolras exhibited a softness to him.  
“I was telling the truth.” For some reason he couldn’t think properly, his mind had once again gone completely empty and forming responses seemed near impossible. Once again silence fell over the pair, which was again, broken by a medical professional who had come to remove the drip as promised. Not knowing what else to do Enjolras reached forward to take Grantaires hand again, before another stranger entered the room.  
‘How is everyone?” She smiled. Grantaire wanted to know what everyone here was taking to make them so happy, whatever it was, he wanted some. “Okay so I just need to speak with you for a little while, see what we can do for you and assess whether it is safe for us to discharge you or if we need to keep you in under observation. It’s up to you if your boyfriend stays to listen, or if you want we can talk alone.” Her voice annoyed Grantaire, but he couldn’t put his finger on the exact reason why.   
“Oh he’s not my boyfriend.” Enjolras blushed letting go of Grantaires hand, making the brunette dislike her even more.  
“Oh okay, well in that case you’ll need to leave for a little while. We can only allow relations or partners to stay.” She pasted on a fake sympathetic smile. Grantaire hated her. Looking up at the blonde he wanted more than anything to say they were together, he didn’t want to be left alone with this woman.  
“It’s okay, I’ll just be outside if you need me.” Enjolras smiled at him, watching as his faced paled before his eyes.  
“Where’s the bathroom?” Grantaire blurted out, half listening to the directions as he tried not to run there. Slamming the door shut he doubled over the contents of his stomach appearing. He started shaking, he felt cold but sweat seemed to be pouring out of him as he retched again, except there was nothing to bring up. It burnt, not in the way his alcohol did, in a way that brought tears to his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to curl up on the cold floor and not move again in the foreseeable future, but he knew that wasn’t an option.  
Hauling himself up using the sink he rinsed his mouth out before trying to steady himself. The room seemed to spin around him while the floor appeared to move while he tried to navigate his way back to Enjolras. Looking up he was once again met with the blondes’ worried gaze.  
“Are you okay?” Enjolras put his arm around the brunette to help him back into bed. Grantaire nodded.  
“Sorry.” He added quietly.  
“No need to apologise.” The woman replied before Enjolras could even take a breath. The sooner this was over, the better. She took no time to resume her speech once Enjolras had disappeared. “So I just want to clear up some of the details before I continue, make sure we’re both on the same page. You were brought in after an attempted suicide, is that correct?” Nod. “Can you tell me what you did?”  
“I took an overdose.” Grantaire replied, his voice sounding even worse than before.  
“What did you take?” She began scribbling on her papers.  
“Painkillers and alcohol.” He really didn’t want to talk to her; he didn’t want to talk to anyone. Why couldn’t he have Enjolras here?  
“Can you tell me roughly how much of each?”   
“Two bottles of wine, two bottles of pills.” He wasn’t going to elaborate on anything, the sooner she was gone the sooner he could leave. Hopefully.  
“Okay, and can you tell me why you did it?”   
No, he thought before realising that wouldn’t be a suitable answer. So he returned to his usual reply. “I just wanted it to be over.”   
“What exactly?” She prompted still scribbling away. Grantaire sighed running his hand through his hair.  
“Everything. I just don’t see the point anymore it doesn’t matter what you do nothing will change. Nothing will get better and I’m sick of it.” His voice gave out on him as he rambled but his mind continued. Closing his eyes he tried to still it again, he had almost enjoyed the hours of silence.  
“Okay.” She mumbled in reply, scribbling more. What could she possibly be writing, could she stop? The sound of the pen was starting to go through Grantaire. “How long have you felt this way?”  
“Years.” He didn’t know exactly, things had been okay last year, then all of a sudden his hopelessness returned stronger than ever.  
“I see you have a previous attempt here, when you were 16.” Nod. “Are you planning to try again?”  
Yes, he wanted to say, but something stopped him. Did he really want to try again? Did he really want to put Enjolras through this again? “No.” At least for the time being he was telling the truth.  
“Okay, good. Well we’re going to let you go tonight but you will need to attend regular sessions with a psychiatrist and begin a course of antidepressants. I must tell you that a failure to attend these sessions may result in you being hospitalised.” She stood shuffling her papers. “I wish you all the best.” And she was gone. Just like that she had deemed him safe to leave. It all seemed too easy.  
Lying back again he felt exhausted. His head was pounding, the room was spinning and everything seemed to be shaking. Enjolras came back in examining the brunette as he did so.  
“Are you ready to go?” He asked, holding out an arm to help him up. Shakily Grantaire took it, his legs not wanting to support him as he leant most of his weight onto Enjolras who took it without a word.  
They walked home in silence. Listening to the birds around them as the sun began to rise. It was a slow walk as Grantaire had to keep stopping, his head spinning too much for him to carry on, or his legs simply giving up completely. As they found a bench to rest on Enjolras draped his coat around Grantaire.  
“You’re shaking.” He said quietly.  
“You’ll get cold.” Grantaire mumbled in protest.  
“I’ll be fine.” Enjolras replied wrapping his arm around the cynic too. “You ready to go again?” After a slight nod he helped the brunette up, once again taking his weight as they turned onto their street.  
They entered the house as quietly as they could so not to wake Jehan, Grantaire heading straight for his room and again, lying right on top of his covers, not bothering to remove any of his clothes. There was a gentle knock at the door followed by Enjolras announcing his presence.   
“I brought you some water.” He said handing over the glass. Up until then Grantaire hadn’t realised how thirsty he was and managed to down most of the glass in one go. Enjolras smiled. “I’ll get you another.”   
“No it’s okay. I can do that.” Grantaire sat up too quickly, the room around him swirling. Enjolras climbed next to him steadying his swaying friend.   
“Grantaire, I don’t think you should be left alone tonight.” Enjolras tried to sound firm but there was a slight shake to his voice making Grantaire agree. Even if all he wanted was to be left alone. Then again, the thought of sharing a bed with Enjolras did make his agreeing a little easier.   
While Enjolras got him another water he slowly stripped down to his boxers, pulling on an old t-shirt to cover up a bit more. He didn’t want to make Enjolras uncomfortable. When the blonde returned he placed the glass next to Grantaire before also stripping to his boxers and climbing in next to the brunette.   
“If you need anything just wake me.” Enjolras said quietly, turning to look at his friend who could only nod in reply. He had dreamed of this moment, of seeing Enjolras lay next to him and yet it was all wrong. He didn’t know if he wanted him to go, or to come closer. He watched as Enjolras lay on his back, moving away ever so slightly and realised he wanted him closer. He wanted to feel his comfort, to feel as if he was loved. He would have cried except he felt completely drained and before his mind could torture him anymore he drifted off into a surprisingly peaceful sleep.


End file.
